Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

PARIS—Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday by the International Astronomical Union has concluded that Earth is located in “by far the lamest” region of the observable universe. “Despite years of intensive analysis, we have failed to uncover even a single pulsar, black hole, lenticular galaxy, binary star system, quasar, or any other cool stuff within 50 light years of this stupid dump of a solar system,” read the study, which noted that to date, no telescope—either ground-based or in earth orbit—has been able to locate a portion of space more dull and tiresome than our own. “Maybe if we were a little closer to the center of the Milky Way galaxy instead of piddling away on one of its lame-ass outer arms, that’d be one thing, but we are right smack-dab in the middle of nowhere. All we’ve got is a bunch of crappy old cosmic background radiation and dumb-as-shit magnetic fields out here. Ugh.” The study’s authors added that they “so wish” they were on board one of the Voyager probes currently racing out of this mind-numbingly shitty planetary backwater.